10,000 + days vs. a lifetime

It wasn’t a secret at least not to me.  As you have all heard it took a little convincing – or better yet salesmanship – but in short order we embarked on our lifetime. I was four years older.

Lifetime – at our young ages a lifetime sounded so reassuring, it seemed like it was so far away. It was light years down the road. A lifetime meant raising a family, graduations, planning weddings, paying for weddings, getting old together, going to grandparents day together, Renee’ teaching me how to change diapers (clean ones) again. In our minds it wasn’t defined as the duration of the existence of a living being.  It meant forever. How could we be so naïve, we both lost a parent in our teen years, her mother and for me my father. That should have defined a lifetime for us or we should have recognized how short a lifetime could actually be. In an instant on that July day we began to discuss our lifetime and we pledged to beat this cancer that threatened to shorten our lifetime together. I reflect on her strength and how she actually made me stronger, because in my own right I was falling apart. We made lover’s commitments; she had me assure her that things would remain in order, that our most prized possession our family would forever remain intact in honor of her. There were other private moments, sincere, heartfelt promises – discussions that I thought we would look back on and say remember when. I am thankful for that time, and I am the one that now remembers when. But remembering alone can be a challenge.

Many of you have lost a loved one, a spouse/partner, a child, that special someone. My loss isn’t any deeper than yours, but the process of grieving, mourning and recovering may be totally different. I read there were stages, being numb, shocked, fearful, denial, anger, the onset of depression and all this being defined as mourning, feeling grief.  Stages, hell what do they call it when it hits all at once and more times than should be allowed. And that is what I meant when I said that the process may be different, I haven’t staged anything. Whatever happens and as the sayings go, the good days will outnumber the bad and in time all hurt heals, that is yet to be realized. All in all I haven’t stopped missing Renee’, from missing her love, her strength, her ability to communicate to our children (young adults), her perfume, her laughter, her glamour, her determination. I want to mention, there isn’t any part of this process that cures the pain. Not medicine, not a therapist, not a support group, nothing. Faith brings us to an understanding and a place of hope, a promise to reunite, but again has done nothing for the pain.

Amongst this, which is hard enough – the real hard work begins – the task of putting your life back together. It too was a promise that I am doing my best to keep, taking charge of my own life.  It appears I am allowed to mourn, to recognize my grief maybe unique, expect to feel a multitude of feelings all at once possibly and all of this has become part of my lifetime. I don’t know who said it or how they had the insight but there are no truer words than-

“Baby if you live to be a hundred I want to live to be a hundred minus one day.”

On a bright side I have four amazing children all with some qualities of their mother. I stand and applaud each of them for their love, strength, faith, support and determination to take control of their lives during their time of enormous loss. And did I mention Leighton Renee’, I know Brittney and Ty created one beautiful child and on the horizon is many more children for them, as well as our other children. Grandbabies!  And the happiness that brings to me is immense, because each will have a part of Renee’ in them for a lifetime.

My “Lifetime” has changed. My grief is a process and not an event. My life isn’t the same and will never be as it was. There have been some bright spots, moments with family, acquaintances, special friends and business associates. But as Renee’ asked and as I promised, I will push forward and go on living my “new beginnings” while always remembering the one I loved.

“Tout Mon Amour”

All my love –  Denny